Missing my wise friend

Funny to think of someone in the later stages of Alzheimer's wise, I suppose. But then, what do you think of when you think of a wise person? It's probably not someone who talks incessantly about themselves, or adds comments constantly, or interrupts you. To me, the image of a wise person is someone who listens well, someone who is quiet, pays attention, stops you only for necessary clarification, and inevitably leads you to the answer through your own thought process, not theirs. Hmm, see, I would say I just described Vera.When my children were little, she became my sounding board. For years before that, my own grandmother had been my sounding board, but around the time that I met Vera, my grandfather had recently died, and my grandmother had become a shadow of her former self, no longer someone I could burden with big decisions or problems. Vera was an easy replacement because she listened just as well as my grandmother and I felt instantly comfortable talking to her. But what happens when both people who would listen unjudgementally leave your life for good? Well, you are left with a void. There are days I feel it keenly, days I would do anything to have a few minutes with Vera or my grandma to talk an idea or a problem out. I wonder if it supposed to be a natural progression into adulthood not to have that older, wiser person to look to. But still, life gets much more complicated at this point, so I doubt that. So, I wait, holding my breath, till I find someone who will step into the role of wise old friend. Till then, I think I'll flounder a bit longer.

Oat Fudge bars and other fond memories

This past week my husband seemed to be a.w.a.l, busy curling all week in a competition. I don’t understand curling, or his love for it, but I do understand now how exhausting being a single parent would be and I only have 2 kids! Vera had 6! I can’t imagine how Vera would able to cope if her husband had to work late for even one evening! Always good to have Vera-perspective in my mind when I’m feeling burnt out!

By the end of the week my husband was back again, but my patience was shot. In an attempt to save myself from my kids, I called on my babysitter whom I love for how awesome she is with my kid. (and because I used to babysit her so that makes her even more special to me) She came and played all evening with my kids while my husband and I took a well needed break just the 2 of us. Really, all I wanted was a quiet coffee and time to catch up, so we went to Starbucks since its our local haunt, comfy and familiar. I asked my husband to pick a treat that we could share and he chose the Oat fudge bar. I sat staring at that bar for some time. Weird how something as simple as a dessert can suddenly bring back a whole ton of memories.

 Vera and I went out every Monday for a date to Starbucks and her favorite treat, hands down, was the fudge bar. It’s nice and sweet, and easy to eat – a must when your memory is failng – trust me. Every week I’d order the same – one tall bold, one tall awake tea and an oat fudge bar. Many times the barrista would simply charge for the drinks, smiling kindly at Vera and wishing her well every single week - such a simple act of kindness. All the staff got to know Vera and ask how she was doing, even when she wasn’t around. They would be concerned for her if they hadn’t seen her in a couple weeks. When she passed away they all expressed their sympathy.

Every week when Vera and I were there, there was another man and his son that came at the same time as well. It was interesting for both of us. This man, I found out later, is a writer, and his son, I would guess, has autism. He’s a  really cool kid – always reading like crazy and talking about everything on his mind to his dad. His dad took the time to answer every single question the kid had. Sitting with Vera it was interesting to watch his constant animated discussion with his son, and it honestly helped when my conversation with Vera became repetitive as she would ask the same questions over and over of me. Somehow, the man and his son would give me the energy I needed at times to have a lovely and enjoyable visit with Vera.

Hmm, and this is why I was a little quiet on our date that evening! Oh well, quiet can be good.

Joys of the Dentist

I am sitting at my computer, glad my trip to the dentist is done. I hate getting cavities filled. I can sit through a general cleaning, but beyond that I'm not a fan of the dental chair.

 It actually went surprisingly well today, and as I was thinking about this on the way home, I started thinking about all of the trips Vera and I made to her dentist. To be honest, I loved those days. Vera lived by the lake in Burlington, and the dentist is in Waterdown.  So, we had a lovely ride to and from the dentist that would take us about 20 minutes each way. There was a particular strip of road that every time we drove on it, Vera would recall memories of her father taking them for drives in the country. She would reminisce about these days, each time revealing just maybe a tiny bit more about her past to me.

 I will say that the dental visit was part of the road trip I'm sure both of us would like to gloss over - and it was one of the few times Vera's failing memory was a wonderful asset for her. What we did walk away talking about each time we went to the dentist was how important moments with your family are. It is surprising how they lurk in your deepest darkest memory for years to come. It would always remind me how important it is to spend time with my own kids, and try to be less busy, focusing instead on enjoying them as they grow. Fun thoughts I'm sure all stemming from a cavity!

a simple love story

I live on a little street that I have grown to love. We walk the next door neighbours dog. The family around the corner goes to the same church as us. There's a little culdasac off our small street where the annual Canada day party is thrown every year for the block. I can't imagine moving - even though at times our house seems way too tiny for our growning family.

One family routinely opens their house to neighbourhood gatherings, and a couple days ago my husband and I went there to have some very yummy Dutch donuts. (I'd spell it, but i think I'd have a ton of Dutch friends rolling their eyes at my atrocious spelling!!) While I was sitting enjoying the treat, I found myself talking to the oldest resident on our street. Since we've lived here, we've watched his wife pass away, and his general decline. It's very sad. It seems like he needs more help than he is getting, but after talking to him, I realized his decision to stay in his house is somewhat of a love story. He and his wife moved into this house many, many years ago. She loved it - it is higher up on a hill and overlooks the street a bit. He hated it - it has no garage, no fireplace, and not much of a backyard. But, he bought the house for his wife. Now that his wife is gone, he can't imagine moving from the house. It is way too much work for him, and he does need more care than what family and government assisted programs offer. But, to a man with a failing memory, his deepest, strongest memories of life are what he holds onto right now. Of course its sad watching from our perspective, but there's something sweet about the way he talks about it too.

From Ice Cream Parlours to Status updates!

So today I've planted myself in a coffee shop and forcing myself to read all about podcasting. Ahh, for a non-techy, this is a bit torturous! I have very little clue what I'm doing, but that's not going to stop me! In the new year check back in to see a new segment on Tea with Vera!! I hope to make Tea with Vera a bit of a destination place - you'll see!!

Well, I have to admit, I'm not getting through this book too fast, in fact, it's way more exciting people watching! In particular, I have the sweetest old friends a couple chairs away from me chatting away about life. Both are well into their senior years. The first part of their conversation was about the coffee shop reno. Now, anyone that knows me and my coffee shop knows that it was a horrible reno. Where is my old coffee shop with the comfy chairs, the quite corners and the warm colours? Instead, they've put in uncomfortable chairs, ridiculously tiny tables that are way too high for little kids, and these dinning room tables that I assume are for laptop users, but really, just make life a bit awkward. Well, the first lady sits down and says "oh, these remind me of ice cream parlour chairs!" I laughed picturing her as a little girl with a cherry cola and saddle shoes. Then after a bit more discussion her friend starts telling her all about her ear surgery. In the middle of the tale, she stops and says "oh, but maybe you read my facebook post!!" Seriously!! From ice cream parlours to Facebook posts in a life time, and they are totally keeping up. That is what completely impresses me about this generation of seniors. Alot of people over 65 are fully embracing all the constant new and evolving technology, and keeping up, and understanding the value of it for their own lives. I remember a decade ago sitting with my grandma and watching her be so lonely in her own home because she couldn't drive and was living on her own. I can't imagine how much better life would have been for her if she could have logged onto Facebook and checked in on her family and sent notes to everyone. Looking at floor plans for new seniors homes, so many designate a large space for a computer room, realizing they are in fact encouraging a social network to exist for many of the seniors that may feel isolated otherwise. I wonder if the creators of Facebook realized the amazing impact they would have on seniors!

Breakfast at the Bistro



This weekend, Delicate Transitions went to the local Seniors Centre to serve breakfast. It's interesting how work and life can be so interconnected at times. In order to serve, we needed to have 4 representatives from our company. Since we are a small company, we had to use our resources - family!! So, on Saturday, we all showed up - my family of four, and my parents. Kyla was a little apprehensive about being around lots of people since she's so shy by nature. So, armed with a label that said "Kyla" and a smile, I told her that was all she needed. She didn't need to talk if she didn't want to - just smile. The whole concept of Breakfast at the Bistro is to target seniors who can't get out in the community much. The centre offers transportation to any senior who needs it. So, I told Kyla every senior would be delighted just with a smile. It worked! Many times I watched as people were surprised to find a little girl bringing them their breakfast. Over and over, they would read her name tag, look up at her kindly and say "thank you Kyla." She'd smile, nod and duck away. By the end of the morning, everyone in the room knew her, and were smiling at her whenever she passed by. I think she might have said a couple words to the odd person, but that's it. To say I was bursting with pride as a mom is an understatement. To realize my daughter had demonstrated how simple it is to give was awesome.

Educating your kids about Alzheimer's

This blog was named after a dear friend of mine, Vera. We spent many years together, as I worked as her companion while she struggled with Alzheimer's. She was a wonderful woman, with a very kind soul. Often, I would bring my little kids to see her. One of my favorite memories of Vera was having breakfast with her and my kids. The seniors home she lived in would make sure the private dinning room was dress up specially for us when they knew we were having one of our family breakfasts. My daughters never knew life without Vera, so for them, she really was like an adopted grandmother. They would chat away with her and hold her hand while we walked down the hall together. What was incredible about the relationship that grew between them was that they grew up respecting Vera and loving her for who she was, no matter how the illness affected her. As a mom, I have to say, I was inspired by how loving and kind my kids were - they could teach many an adult a lesson in compassion.

As I was working away today I stumbled upon an excellent idea that the Halton Alzheimer's society has come up with - a half day program for kids on how to deal with family members suffering from the disease. What a great idea! The program is being offered on the next pd day - Nov.13th. I would highly recommend sending your kids if they are around someone with Alzheimer's. I know from experience there are many questions kids will have, and at times, answers can be a challenge. Check out their brochure:
http://www.alzhn.ca/documents/Education%20Events%20and%20Series/Hamilton%20Halton/kids%20learning%20about%20memory%20loss.pdf