socks

My job with Vera started out as simply to take her out for walks. Nothing more, nothing less. I thought I'd stumbled across the dream job - good money, easy task. What I soon learned with my job is that nothing was easy. There is absolutely nothing straightforward when it comes to Alzheimer's. Everything you take for granted in a day is a challenge to someone dealing with Alzheimer's. For me, I was to learn this lesson with socks.

Vera would shuffle around her seniors residence in slippers most of the day. The backs of the slippers were bent and pushed down from her constantly slipping in and out of them as she pleased. When it came to taking her out for a walk, we had to ditch the comfy slippers and put on practical walking shoes. Although this seems easy in theory, it was to be my longest hour EVER!!!

Not knowing I was walking into problems, I asked Vera to sit in her chair while I changed her slippers to shoes. She calmly allowed me to remove the slippers. After I had done so, she asked that I re-adjust her socks. No problem. I fiddled with the toes and carried on. I quickly took the shoe and fit it on her foot and went to carry on to the next foot. Not so fast. Vera explained that something wasn't feeling right. Hmmmm. I looked at the shoe, seemed okay, but maybe I hadn't pulled the sock up, so I removed the shoe, checked there was nothing in the shoe, readjusted the sock and put the shoe back on. Nope. She still seemed dissatisfied with it. Something was wrong, and she couldn't put her finger on it. I tried again. I removed the shoe. She asked that I pull the sock a bit near her baby toe. On went the shoe again, again the complaint was lobbied. Over and over till i could have pounded my head with the shoe. I was watching the clock and realizing by the time the shoe fit, my time to visit would be over. I gave up. I put the slippers back on and we walked the halls instead, with me frustrated over the turn of events.

I must admit, it didn't end that day. I went home, angry and frustrated, and realizing that this job was more than i bargained for. I went back a few more times, and with each attempt to get the shoes on, I was met with the challenge of the socks not fitting. Slowly it dawned on me what the problem was. It wasn't the shoes or the socks really, it was me. It was my job to reassure Vera, and to keep her going in her life. I was stuck. I couldn't get past the socks. With renewed vigor, I went back the next day and was convinced I could get the shoes and socks to work, and we could actually get outside! This time, I listened to her concerns, I worked with her, but I also stepped into the role of caregiver for the first time. I changed the topic, talked about where we were walking, maybe getting a tea, and suddenly, socks were no longer on her radar. She had refocused her attention on the next part of our journey.I'd cut my time down from 1 hour putting on shoes and socks to 5 minutes!! Finally I was being helpful and being the person Vera needed me to be.

How this blog was born

Remember when you were little and would dream about what you wanted to be when you grew up? Well, I always dreamt I would be a famous author. Now, this is only because I read Anne of Green Gables and Emily of New Moon about 100 times each and romanticized about sitting in the attic, writing beautiful stories, while peering wistfully into the dusk. Reality hit in high school when I realized I was not that talented in the writing department! Still, every time I have one of those Emily moments and read the book over again, I get lost in the dream of it all over again!

I remember sitting in the car last year, driving on vacation, just a couple weeks after Vera had passed away, and letting my mind ramble over all the memories I had of Vera. We spent all this time together, and what do you do when the person you built your life around is gone? I was staring out the window, looking at the hills we were driving by, thinking I should sit down and string all the memories together somehow. But, the more I thought of my time with Vera, I realized my memories of her were all jumbled around, and would resurface at the oddest times, being triggered by many different things. I tried to organize her life and what it had meant to me in a straightforward format, but couldn't. What I realized was that from this point onwards in my life, many moments would be connected to Vera, and pop up unexpectedly. She had entwined her life in mine so quietly and subtly, I wasn't sure where it all stopped and started.

So, therefore, I have created this blog. As life unravels, and I am reminded of my dear friend over and over in many ways, I will continue to pay tribute to her through this blog. So, I may never be Emily, scribbling notes up in the garet, but I am hoping that I can create something beautiful, and that is all that matters to me.

In memory of Vera

You know how some dates stick in your head? June 17th sticks in my head forever. That is the day I lost my dear friend Vera. One year ago today, she beat Alzheimer's and finally found peace in death. Vera's last few months had been a hard struggle, and was difficult for everyone in the family to watch as the disease increased at a rapid rate and took so much from her so quickly. But, this post is not about sadness really. It is about family. It was on the 17th of June last year I watched as all of Vera's family came together to honor her and say goodbye in there own way. Each girl (she has 5) was true to their own character and dealt with it in their own way. Grandchildren and great grandchildren came to her side to say goodbye. In sadness there was so much love, it took my breath away.

This post though is about one daughter in particular. We were the two in the room at the time when Vera passed - that ties you together unexpectedly. To understand how she said goodbye, you need a bit of background on their family. Vera's family spent their summers living at the family cottage. They divided up the summer and each family within the larger whole had time to themselves at the cottage, but there were many times when everyone spent time together. As Vera's needs grew, Vera's family ensured that she could still be at the cottage, spending lots of time caring for their ailing mother. From stories I heard, I believe a great deal of time was spent sitting and relaxing and reading, or quietly pondering life.

As Vera lay in her bed that last day, her daughter sat beside her for hours, holding her hand, calming her, just being there. When I walked in, she was so quiet beside her mother, I was concerned that she was overwhelmed with the situation. I came over to ask her if she was okay. I was very surprised with her response. She explained that from the windows in Vera's room, she could look out to the lake and find peace. She had crosswords and books around her, and it was reminding her of her time at the cottage, quietly sitting with her mom for hours. It seemed natural to be there for her. I was incredibly moved and gave her the space she needed to comfort and care for her mom in such a simple and natural way. What a wonderful gift she gave her mom that day.

A quilt for Kyla

Finally, I have started to sew this quilt for my daughter! It has been on the back burner for a long time - about a year now. Funny how life goes. I love sewing, but sometimes in the business of life find it hard to make time for. My favorite way to spend a Sunday evening is hauling my sewing machine to the living room and watching TV and sewing late into the night - with a cup of coffee keeping me going.

When I got to know Vera, one of the stories she'd tell me over and over again was about her grandmother who taught her how to sew. Her grandmother was a wonderful sewer, and passed along her passion to Vera. Over and over again I would hear the stories about how her grandmother taught her how to sew from a very young age. I plan to do the same with Kyla. I am extremely proud of her for picking all the fabric patterns that are in this quilt. Little does she know that this year will be the year she gets her very first sewing machine and our first lessons will be very basic quilt making. If you follow along this summer I'll post our adventures in sewing! I have to say my sewing has been learning on the run, so I'm kind of excited to go back to basics with her and teach her the fun of sewing and quilting. She already has a keen sense of colour, so who knows where this will take us!

When Vera and I first met, I was nervous - how do you carry on a conversation with someone with Alzheimers? I knew nothing about her - other than a very small bit about her family. I didn't know her likes or dislikes, her hobbies - really I was completely in the dark, except I knew she loved Scrabble. I'm sure the poor woman wondered what hit her the first day we met, because out of shear nervousness, I nattered on all about myself for the entire tea time. Now, Vera was a very elegant woman who could have had tea with the queen of Englad with ease, so she smiled serenely and listened somewhat. By the second or third visit, I had settled down and was more at ease, and figured I should listen to her. What I realized is that I had been terribly misguided in my general understanding of Alheimers. Although Vera may not have been able to remember my name week to week, she had a vast store of memories of her past that had yet to be ravaged by disease. In those early years with Vera, I was to learn all about her family, stories of her grandmother, her brothers, trips to the cottage, stories of motherhood, of religion- so many interesting tidbits for tea time. I have to say though, it was her love of knitting and sewing that caught my attention. I love to sew and embroider, and it became the jumping off point for many conversations.

As I sit today, with many things on the to do list piling up, since its June, the end of school, and inevitably the month most moms are scared off, i can't take my eye off a pattern I recently found. It's by Simplicity. They've reintroduced a line of vintage patterns, which i was thrilled to find the other day. I gave in and bought one - a pattern for making little baby shoes. Vera was a wonderful knitter and would whip up baby blankets for all the newest members of the clan. I can't knit (yet!) but have been searching for something special and different to give to friends and family when a new baby is born. I think I've found it! These little booties are completely adorable, and since I've become a little addicted to embroidery lately, I was thrilled to see how unique they look. Each one can be so different and special. Hopefully soon you'll be able to see a completed pair - i have a friend in mind for whom i believe i still have about 3 months to get my act together and make a pair!

The start of the journey

Welcome to Tea with Vera! Thank you for stopping by!
I should start, for those who don't know me, by telling you about the name of this blog. It is in memory of many cups of tea I shared with a dear friend of mine named Vera.She passed away almost a year ago now. She was ninety years old and suffered from Alzheimer's, but that is only a small part of who she was. I am in my thirties, with two young children and hope to live as full and blessed a life as Vera.
It was an unexpected friendship to say the least, but it is one that has forever changed my life. I was hired to be her caregiver, but what started as a job, became a journey of caring, compassion and understanding. I learned more in seven years spent with her, than all the years I spent in school. The patience I gained being with her translated into my life as a mom, and made me a far better mother than I could have imagined without Vera in my life. As I write this blog, it is meant to be a tribute to all that she taught me in life - how to enjoy life, how to constantly be learning, how to take time to listen and to understand. Vera lived life to the fullest. She was a mother to 6 children, a grandmother and a great grandmother many times over. She had a wealth of friends who loved her, she was well read, truly creative in many areas, and was always ready for the next adventure. She is my inspiration, and I hope to use this blog to mark the journey I am on in memory of all the wisdom she shared with me over a few hundred cups of tea!